Who needs a Sherpa when you have Goats?

CAVE CREEK, Arizona - “Hello, I’m Bob, this is Knight and that goats name is Chris.”

It’s 9:01 a.m. on April 5th and I have arrived one-minute late to today’s hike at Cave Creek Park for this morning’s hike, “Goat Packing.”

The Maricopa County’s Cave Creek Regional Park website had sold me on the adventure with a single line of text: “Just imagine these friendly little animals carrying your gear for you on one of those long treks!”

Having recently returned from an 18 mile hike across Catalina Island and wasting plenty of wireless minutes trying to convince some friends (including Cameron Flynn Taylor) to hike the 800 miles of Arizona Trail that traverses the Arizona desert from Mexico to Utah, I immediately envisioned the possibilities of have something else carry 40 pounds of water and sunflower seeds.

Today, Bob had brought two of his most “laid back” goats to come inform a dozen or so hikers about the advantages of using goats instead of horses, mules or your own back to carry hiking and camping supplies. (Though Bob does also own a burro.)

Bob continued with his introduction: “They can carry 40 pounds of gear. They can go up to 3 days without water. They graze as they hike so you don’t need to bring food. You don’t need a leash for them to follow you and they will eat your Christmas tree once it is dried up and you toss it into their pen.”


Knight was a La Mancha goat who had no ears; a prominent feature of La Mancha goats. He weighs in at about 170 pounds and is at the head of the pecking order amongst the goats. The second goat, Chris, an Oberhasli goat, tips the scales at 200 pounds and, like Knight, is castrated.

Also known as a wether, their castration is a blessing in disguise. Being that both Knight and Chris are dairy goats, only the females are kept around for milk and it’s the males the head off to become goat burgers and gyros. The wethered males have a 90% reduced rate of urinary tract infection, a calmer demeanor and do not possess the foul odor that can accompany a male who is primed to procreate.

Today’s hike was a mildly-paced 1-hour and 20-minutes up and back slate trail and the goats tagged along like ducklings behind their mother. Each strapped with a saddle designed specifically for goats and accompanying panniers for your gear (to get your own goat saddle and anything else you might need for the goat in your life, visit Hoegger Goat Supply at: http://hoeggergoatsupply.com/xcart/home.php.)

“If you keep your goat in good shape it can hike about 12 miles a day,” continued Bob. But don’t forget that regardless of who’s carrying your gear for you, you have to be able to hike those 12 miles too.

"Well, now we know what Big Foot's Dick Smells Like"

If your a fan of Will Ferrel's "Anchorman," then you'll realize that headline is more funny than vulgar. And if you aren't hip to the funny, then fuck you.

Never the less, that vulgar headline was the first thought to slip into the mind of Cameron Flynn Taylor, 27, of Tucson, Arizona and the rest of America's comedy pursuing youth. But the news strikes closer to home for Taylor than most. Taylor has always been a big-foot fanatic, and who can blame him? Bigfoot had a sweet gig.

Bigfoot is the last of his kind. By that I don't mean species; I mean mystical creature. There are no more Leprechauns (despite a recent you tube news video) and there are no more Unicorns (despite Ebay.) Everything else cool has already been discovered. Mummies, sunken treasure, all in the past. Hell, even Indian Jones has to take place in the early 1900's to be somewhat plausible. Now these swamp-buggy rednecks come along and renew our hopes to obliterate another species.

I find it bitter sweet. I say we let the Appalachians test the DNA, prove that he is real and then execute them before they can share to location of Bigfoot's den to the rest of the world.

Now, some might find that excessive. And I agree. But so is killing a 500 pound, 7'7" endangered/extinct/mystical creature and shoving it in a freezer so you and your friends can have a photo shoot. Maybe when they are done with this Bigfoot nonsense they can hunt elephants in Africa or kill the zoo's baby panda.

This needs to be stopped. Immediately. Otherwise, whats keeping the Japanese from fishing Nessy out of Loch Ness and serving up a platter of Loch Ness Monster sushi with a side of Nessy Tempura?


Personally, I hope those off-duty deputies killed Bigfoot Jr. and that the real Sasquatch is waiting in their living room with a serious case of vendetta.


Source: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/08/14/bigfoot.body/index.html

Attention Bears: "No" Means "No"

Video on CNN.com tells the story of a loving father who had to save his son from a bear, twice. My question is the same as yours: "What kind of Bear?" From the start of his late night television show, The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert has been warning the nation of the dangers of bears.

Over the years, bears in general have become increasingly more intimidating. Polar Bears. Pandas. Brian Urlacher (See: 70% of the Earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Da Bears' D.) That one sitting next to that poor lady with the douche bag karate master. Koalas. And the scariest of them all, homosexuals.

An old friend of mine, Cameron Flynn Taylor, once told me about the exhaustive list of codewords used by the homosexual community. Taylor himself does not admit to being a homosexual but he has logged several hard-working hours at a very gay-friendly grocery store affectionately refereed to as Gay J's.

For the unlearned readers of the Shimona News Network, a bear is homosexual who is fat, hairy and enjoys the company of younger, less-hairy and ideally also-homosexual men. They may not have claws but if you ask nicely they'll bite you. I'm sure they also wouldn't mind a bite of your cheeseburger, but it's your job to tell them to "step off!"

Don't believe me? Google it. This most recent incident happened in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park and involved a black bear, Ursus americanus. But are you really confident that all bear attacks happen in the wilderness? Maybe once you've had your fill of bears, you too will consider bring pepper spray the next time you meet your wife at the hair-dresser.



For source video, visit: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2008/08/12/pn.dad.vs.bear.cnn?iref=mpvideosview

Everything you need to know about Beach Volleyball

Beach volleyball coverage has always been a bit titillating, but with the Olympics are just around the corner some news outlets are using them as an excuse to dress up old-fashioned T&A in a flimsy frock of supposed sports coverage.

Case in point: NBCOlympics.com's feature on the hand signals of beach volleyball. Despite being titled "Cracking the Code," the article offers no actual information on the meanings of the various beach volleyball signals.

We felt at liberty to collect some of the most egregious examples of beach volleyball smut in one gallery, without even attempting to relate it to anything newsworthy. This way you can enjoy your gratuitous semi-nudity the honest way.



Source: http://www.asylum.com/2008/08/06/the-weirdest-olympic-events-throughout-history?icid=100214839x1207289743x1200362114

Yay for Oggling!

"An Eyeful a Day Keeps the Doctor Away" - by Jonathan Hayter

Staring at women's breasts is good for men's health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.

Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women's breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.

A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure; less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.

Dr. Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10-minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.

"There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.

"We believe that by doing so constantly, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

Source: http://www.cs.helsinki.fi/u/hprajani/phun/yay_for_oggling.jpg